Obsession.
Today I was told off at work for the first time, LOOL and I cried in the bathroom briefly. It was only for calling out far too much.. like, I can put 15% of my shifts! But they scheduled me as the ONLY employee who wasn’t a manager? So I had to do everything.. I wonder why I don’t show up. Not that I don’t enjoy my job… I just.
When I was a little wee thing, I wanted to be a drug addict when I grew up. I actively played pretend and then evolved into role played using drugs and withdraws. It’s so erotic to me in some sense, I don’t know. The idea you need it, it Is bliss. I think that’s what I want to give people, because I know how good it would feel.
Anyways, that’s so out of left field it’s right. All things should be.. I have a horrible OCD issue at the moment where, at any time, even in video games, I must turn to my left 360 to ‘even’ something out. Why am I retarded. Why do I have to appease voices in my head. Probably because my Dad hits my Mom..
To the meat.. you may see ‘obsession’ and assume, ‘Oh, Ace8, you must mean Banny’ NO
YOU MORRON. I mean Joseph *******, not.. doxxing him! But this boy, I went to elementary school with. We were sooo close in 4th & 5th grade — we even d8ed or whatever, as kids so. Sharing lunches and holding hands. But now, after dropping out and whatever else happened to me, I’m so far from who he knew that he doesn’t know me at all. I am a stranger, and I want to meet him again.
Desperately
Actively, seeking him out. A few other boys as well.. I had a dream of them last night. One, who recently blocked me IMMEDIATELY after I liked a post of his.. in my dream, he told me he was scared of me. But in a sense that he had gotten over it, so.. whateva
I’m enrolled in college! Starting in August - I went in for Psychology last minute instead of Early Childhood Education / Development. To be closer to my beloved DSM-5. I hope, once college begins, and I get to really live again, I’ll slowly forget Joseph. I’ll stop looking for him on every platform through everyone else I can find from my old schools. Maybe I’ll break out of the wanting for the level of interest he had in me, which, wasn’t even a lot. It was the last thing I really remember from school before dropping out the next year.
I don’t feel like I can really connect with people, because I’m not a Person. I can’t explain why, because that’s information not for the masses.. but I can feel when I slip out of the social situation - when I am no longer involved, or included. I just kinda leave, because I could care less… I care sometimes, but only because why me. The life I have had is it. It can not be done over, my childhood was shit, it was robbed from me and I won’t ever get another one.
Then I remember reincarnation and I don’t mind so much.. but! The point of.. I Ace8, in this lifetime, will never get a good childhood. Or a chance at highschool life, or one without drug dependency and Schizotypal PD and Sever OCD — I always say ‘moderate’, but it’s why I have eating disorders, it’s why I didn’t touch gr**n for two years, why I still avoid the damn hue now, and it’s why I sit up at night blinking at the ceiling so ‘my karma stays positive’? Am I just crazy? Why me,
I wonder, what Joseph would say.